I know you are hurting. And you are surviving. Maybe barely – but you are surviving. It may burn with each inhalation and crush you with each exhalation, but you are surviving.
It will be okay; you will be okay. You are resilient. And okay will be enough until those okays turn into good and those goods turn into days peppered with amazingness. It will happen.
Life will be filled with some of the darkest of darks, each day stretched so long, too long and thin. Night may pull you so far down you believe you will never see the spark of the light. It’s okay. There’s always a new day to try again.
It will lie to you. The trauma. It will tell you that you are unsafe. It will tell you it was all your fault – that you could have magically prevented it. It wasn’t; you couldn’t. It will tell you you’re not good enough. It will tell you that you are not enough of all of the enoughs and never will be. And you’ll believe it. It’s okay. You will find your way back. You are resilient.
You will feel like you are screaming underwater. That no one hears you – hears your rage, your searing pain, your most tender sadness. Some will hear your voice, its heaviness, or softest whisper, but they will not hear you. It’s okay. You will find your voice and people who come from the clouds will embrace your story and listen to what you do and don’t say. They will hold your story in their hearts.
You may turn to old but familiar behaviors. That eating disorder may sneak his way back in the door, creating a false sense of safety. Drinking may provide you just enough numbness and distraction to get you through the night, that afternoon, those next few hours. You might turn to cutting or self harm in a desperate search for relief. It’s okay. You will heal. As you heal emotionally, you will heal physically, your scars softening and fading with time.
Shame. It will be unrelenting. You will have shame. You might even have shame about your shame. It will color in the lines of your life. It will put a drape over your emotional and spiritual being. But one day, you will lift that drape off of your face… and it will be an indescribable lightness of love.
Indescribably lightness of love.
I will hold your story in my heart.