It’s Not Your Fault
To myself at 3 years old,
You didn’t know what was happening. You didn’t start it. He knew it was wrong. You didn’t know any better. Please remember this.
To myself at 17,
You are not a bad person. You are kind and caring, talented, and have so much to offer the world. No matter what they did to you, it wasn’t your fault. You were just trying to survive in this world & were doing what you were told. All the men that SA'ed and raped you are to blame. This was their fault, not yours. It wasn’t fair. You didn’t deserve it. It did really happen & it was wrong. It will get better, though, right? Beauty does not define you. It’s not the most important thing. You don’t have to alter your appearance to be loved. I’m sorry the nurses didn’t believe you.
To myself at 21,
You don’t have to try to “compete” with the other women. You are enough. You can say no. Don’t be afraid to hurt men’s feelings. You don’t owe them anything. You don’t deserve to raped, or abused, or killed. I’m sorry that the Dean didn’t believe you. It’s not fair. It was wrong what they did to you. It wasn’t “Normal” or okay. You are not an object. You are a full human being.
To myself at 23,
You are talented and you can be a filmmaker. He is a misogynistic asshole. You didn’t deserve the sexual abuse or to be hit. It’s not your fault. I’m sorry no one believed you. He was so loved by everyone. They would never believe his true side. But you are a good person. You don’t have to alter your appearance to be acceptable. You are fine without makeup, You don’t have to dress the way he wants you to. You are whole without him.
To myself at 27,
What he did to you was wrong. It was abuse. You didn’t deserve it. He treated you horribly & it wasn’t your fault. You don’t need men to survive. You are strong. You are talented. You are a good person. You can make it. You’ve dealt with a lifetime of rape, sexual abuse, sexual assault, domestic violence, and emotional abuse. And none of it was your fault. You didn’t deserve any of it. But you can make it through. You will not be hopeless. You’ll make it. I love you. All of this abuse it not the reason why you are a lesbian. This is who you are & it’s okay.