To my inner self and all the hurting parts in me:
Your mother was not there to protect you. She did not know at that time the constant abuse you were exposed to. Now she knows and still she does not acknowledge your pain, you feeling of abandonment, your anger, your deep sadness. She questions why you did not speak up on time. Painfully, she still talks with him yet knowing that he raped your heart, and abused your body. You dear-me, you dear warrior-survivor may encounter people like your love ones whom are not going to support you. Who in a way or another are supporting the perpetrators with their silence. Not everyone will know how to love you in the ways you mostly need. However, you have been in a long journey to learn how to embrace yourself when the night is cold and dark, to embrace yourself when those memories come to remind you that you are no longer there, that finally you are safe, finally you have your loving self to say: STOP and I LOVE YOU!
Dear inner adult self, I know you still suffer by the silence and guilt your Mom is causing you. I know you feel even sadder when you see other survivors and their loving mothers next to them, speaking up, loving them and making justice. This time you may not get the acknowledgement from her, perhaps you never will. But you have been doing a lot to come back to your body, to heal and write your pains, to transform your sadness by sharing your story, to work and speak up when injustice of sexual assault or any other kind is around.
In the next few weeks your body is going to have two surgeries, one in your left breast and one in the left side of your uterus. Thanks for listening you body. It had to scream loud to remind you of the pains that were left there due to the abuse and the abandonment. Now it is time to heal fully. Soon we are going to heal. Soon your uterus, ovaries and vagina are going to be like a sacred clear river surrounded by healing stones. Your ovaries are going to be like colourful lotus flowers holding pomegranates. Soon some scars will be there to remind you that you overcame many battles with your determination and love.
You are an AMAZING warrior, have I tell you how much I admire you? How much I love you for your faithfulness to be loyal with your spirit? You are my heroine as you still believe that healthy love is possible, as you are ready to leave places and people when respect is not the main pillar. You are the best mother to yourself, remember that. Keep on listening, loving and paying attention to your inner pains, keep mothering your soul as you are learning to do. Give the power to yourself, you deserve it. You are worth it.